day 1 – to the one who’s left us.

Pulang.

Ragamu telah rapuh,

Jiwamu lelah dibawa mengembara.

(Sembilan puluh tiga tahun bukan waktu yang singkat.)

 

Seperti apa kau menginginkan kepulanganmu?

 

Dengan tenang,

dalam sunyi,

seperti dentingan piano yang lamat-lamat terdengar di malam hari.

 

Atau

Dengan dentuman,

besar-besaran,

dan keramaian seperti layaknya hari kelahiran?

(kau terlalu tua untuk ini.)

 

Bukan secara paksa,

bukan seperti ini,

bukan dengan selingkar tali

dalam sebuah ruangan, dalam sendiri,

dalam sepi.

 

Namun matamu terpejam sama eratnya.

Namun tidur panjangmu sama lelapnya.

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Do I deserve someone better?

Do I deserve someone better?

I’ve dreamt of

loving arms and

a warm gaze and

gentle words and

a comforting smile,

 

I’ve longed for

constant reassurance,

that no matter how hard I’ve fallen,

no matter how big the mistake was,

no matter how much i thought i’ll never make it,

they’ll be there

always with the same cheerful look

in their eyes, telling me that they

believe in me, that no matter how hard it

may seem, i’ll get through it

with their hand holding mine.

Do I deserve someone better?

 

I’d look up

(after wiping away the tears in my eyes

with wrists, still ridden with scars

that you once inflicted with your presence;

or rather, your lack of presence)

at you,

 

and you’d look at me with the same twinkle in your eyes and the same mischievous smile and you’d say to me the same biting remarks and the same poorly thought out jokes and the same cheesy lines you’ve always said to me since day one because dear god, you could’ve said anything to me you could’ve insulted me you could’ve told me i’ll never be good enough for anyone and i’d still come crawling back to you

 

Do I want someone better?

Unrequited

Bare skin against clean white sheets,
yours against mine.
Wide, hopeful eyes met each other,
with trembling hands
holding one another.
Your chest rising and falling
gently, calmly, slowly,
with the sound of the rain
pouring relentlessly and thunder,
a lullaby for me; slowly going under
with a heavy burden on my chest,
and a realization, never leaving me
to rest,

I can never make you mine, my dear.
Never,
never,
never.