“What do you think is the worst feeling in the world?”

It’s been a while, don’t you think?

Yes, love songs still remind me of you.

At first, I couldn’t breathe whenever I realize that the songs that remind me of you will only remind you of someone else.

But you know what?

I think I’m starting to accept it as the way it is.

I hope I’m gonna be fine, like what you told me I should be.


Untitled #7

Deru kendaraan di kiri kananku,

dan hingar,

dan bingar,

dan lampu jalan,

dan keramaian,

dan bayangan

dirimu, tak pernah berhenti mengusik pikiranku sedetikpun.

—- 20:32 WIB, di sebuah jalan di sisi barat kota Jakarta.

To you, and you only.

​You know, you’ll always be

my first smile; the pale moon

glowing gently in my morning sky.


I think I like you, or maybe I don’t. But you’ve been my sole reason of happiness these days, the only thing keeping my mood soaring through the skies above; so perhaps, maybe, I kinda like you. I guess.

But just like a full moon lingering in the morning sky; even when the sun’s already shined so brightly, your gentle glow will still be the one thing that fully captures my attention.

…screw that, I like you. I like you a lot.


The clouds gathered above.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak. What string of words I have in mind vanished into thin air, evaporating into the grey clouds above our heads.

Your gaze pierced right through me. A whole sea of green, speck of blue, speck of yellow. Bright, bright as ever. Stealing words right out of my mouth as usual, my dear.

And there it goes, again; your thin lips curved into a smile, inviting mine to do the same. What are we smiling for? Even when the sun shined as bright as ever, will it not rain above our heads? Will the storm not rage on in this small space we share, will the thunder not continue to sound?

We continue to smile, but are we not weary? The countless battles we have started since the first moment we crossed paths will rage on. These sparks we have ignited will spread like wildfire. Everything we build will always be burned down to ashes. Our shoulders heavy, our backs bent down. We will never win, my dear.

But still our heads are thrown back in laughter. Still our fingers intertwine. It matters not whether the next morning the war will continue to rage on, whether we will return to rain hellfire against one another as usual. 

We were fire, my dear; but your eyes are the ocean.


It’s 1 am and I thought that maybe
if I pulled the blanket tighter against me
it’d bring you closer back to me,
because I’d look at white sheets on my bed
and thought of how it felt like living without regret,
and warm, sleepless summer nights
and your back right against mine.

I’d look at how brightly the stars twinkle on the skies
above, and pretend that they were your eyes. And I’d close mine, and
hope that they align
tonight, but will they bring you
back to my side?

Because I still see your face
on the pillow next to mine, and your
voice echoing in my mind, and you,
your laugh, your smile, your hand
holding mine, your arms wrapped
around my side, you,
and you, and you,

but never you.

Can we still gaze at the same moon when we’re so far apart?

I’d tell you I’d paint whole constellations for you, with shades of purple and blue and dot all the thousands of stars in them and paint galaxies too, with even smaller dots for the planets somewhere millions of miles away from the stars.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely anymore. I’d realize that we’re still in the same one tiny dot, floating in a place too massive for us to comprehend.

At the very least, even though we cannot gaze at the moon at the same time anymore, we’d still be looking up at the same sky.

But any distance far enough to keep our hands from reaching for one another is still too far for me.