Do I deserve someone better?
I’ve dreamt of
loving arms and
a warm gaze and
gentle words and
a comforting smile,
I’ve longed for
that no matter how hard I’ve fallen,
no matter how big the mistake was,
no matter how much i thought i’ll never make it,
they’ll be there
always with the same cheerful look
in their eyes, telling me that they
believe in me, that no matter how hard it
may seem, i’ll get through it
with their hand holding mine.
Do I deserve someone better?
I’d look up
(after wiping away the tears in my eyes
with wrists, still ridden with scars
that you once inflicted with your presence;
or rather, your lack of presence)
and you’d look at me with the same twinkle in your eyes and the same mischievous smile and you’d say to me the same biting remarks and the same poorly thought out jokes and the same cheesy lines you’ve always said to me since day one because dear god, you could’ve said anything to me you could’ve insulted me you could’ve told me i’ll never be good enough for anyone and i’d still come crawling back to you
Do I want someone better?
Today I nearly attempted to take my own life.
I was on the train station, having had recently gotten off the train. I wanted so badly to jump off the platform and onto the tracks. It was exhausting to suppress the thoughts that slowly eats through my mind.
Getting out of the train station, I could barely stop myself from running straight into traffic. My mind was a dull whir, like a broken machine. I couldn’t hear any of my thoughts, I couldn’t even think clearly. The only thing I could picture was my body, badly mangled and bloody after a train ran over me. I could only hear car horns, as I run right in front of a speeding car.
What will it matter? I thought. Are things even worth holding on for tomorrow? A year from now? Twenty years from now?
Loneliness is a dangerous poison.
Odorless, colorless. I was laughing, I talked on, I told jokes. I hugged people. I didn’t realize how loneliness haunts me still, how it still weighs down on me. It crept on and on until it came for me right when I least expect it.
Then it suffocated me. Even when so many people are surrounding me, right now; fifty, or maybe sixty years from now, I’d still die alone in my apartment room that I live in all by myself.
So does it matter if I die today or twenty years or fifty years from now?
Yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was a coward.
I don’t know how long I’ll stay as one.
It should not matter to me how many times I have to mend my heart to be whole again, my dear,
as long as yours isn’t broken.
It’s been a while, don’t you think?
Yes, love songs still remind me of you.
At first, I couldn’t breathe whenever I realize that the songs that remind me of you will only remind you of someone else.
But you know what?
I think I’m starting to accept it as the way it is.
I hope I’m gonna be fine, like what you told me I should be.
Deru kendaraan di kiri kananku,
dan lampu jalan,
dirimu, tak pernah berhenti mengusik pikiranku sedetikpun.
—- 20:32 WIB, di sebuah jalan di sisi barat kota Jakarta.
5:53, hal yang sama tiap pagi.
Sebuah kereta yang akan membawaku kemana kau pernah berada.
Namun sayang, aku lupa bagaimana cara berjalan,
yang tinggal hanya keheningan pekat yang mengambang berat di udara.
I can’t tell
whether my hands are cold
or my world is freezing shut.