Do I deserve someone better?

Do I deserve someone better?

I’ve dreamt of

loving arms and

a warm gaze and

gentle words and

a comforting smile,


I’ve longed for

constant reassurance,

that no matter how hard I’ve fallen,

no matter how big the mistake was,

no matter how much i thought i’ll never make it,

they’ll be there

always with the same cheerful look

in their eyes, telling me that they

believe in me, that no matter how hard it

may seem, i’ll get through it

with their hand holding mine.

Do I deserve someone better?


I’d look up

(after wiping away the tears in my eyes

with wrists, still ridden with scars

that you once inflicted with your presence;

or rather, your lack of presence)

at you,


and you’d look at me with the same twinkle in your eyes and the same mischievous smile and you’d say to me the same biting remarks and the same poorly thought out jokes and the same cheesy lines you’ve always said to me since day one because dear god, you could’ve said anything to me you could’ve insulted me you could’ve told me i’ll never be good enough for anyone and i’d still come crawling back to you


Do I want someone better?



Today I nearly attempted to take my own life.

I was on the train station, having had recently gotten off the train. I wanted so badly to jump off the platform and onto the tracks. It was exhausting to suppress the thoughts that slowly eats through my mind.

Getting out of the train station, I could barely stop myself from running straight into traffic. My mind was a dull whir, like a broken machine. I couldn’t hear any of my thoughts, I couldn’t even think clearly. The only thing I could picture was my body, badly mangled and bloody after a train ran over me. I could only hear car horns, as I run right in front of a speeding car.

What will it matter? I thought. Are things even worth holding on for tomorrow? A year from now? Twenty years from now?

Loneliness is a dangerous poison.

Odorless, colorless. I was laughing, I talked on, I told jokes. I hugged people. I didn’t realize how loneliness haunts me still, how it still weighs down on me. It crept on and on until it came for me right when I least expect it.

Then it suffocated me. Even when so many people are surrounding me, right now; fifty, or maybe sixty years from now, I’d still die alone in my apartment room that I live in all by myself. 

So does it matter if I die today or twenty years or fifty years from now?

Yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was a coward.

I don’t know how long I’ll stay as one.