I have noticed that I’ve been healing, slowly.
No, it’s not that I got myself in a serious accident; while perhaps that would explain why I haven’t been writing anything for months.
If any of you have been reading my posts from the past few years, you may have noticed that I wrote a lot about hurt. I wrote about being chained down. I wrote about being unable to free myself, from certain people, from a certain period of my life. I wrote about being tied down. About being wronged. About how I’m willing to tear myself apart to make others happy. I wrote about being used, and how I was okay with it because it made me feel, at least, wanted; if not loved.
It wasn’t a healthy mental state; of course it wasn’t. Only recently that I started to learn that, and surely I learned a lot more than that.
It took me years until I stopped blaming myself for things that have gone wrong from as far as 2013. For years I had internalized that for whatever reason, everything was my fault. That perhaps, I just wasn’t enough. Maybe it’s how I dressed, maybe it’s how I acted, maybe it’s just me as a whole.
And I acted upon those thoughts, unfortunately, by hating myself. I hated everything about myself and it showed. I still remember my friend saying that she just couldn’t like me as a person. Even though she still hasn’t told me the reason why, I can see now why she would say that. I couldn’t be myself. I was desperately trying to fit in, to reach an abstract ideal that I thought would please others. I wasn’t even sure what that ideal was supposed to be.
I understand now that healing is not only learning to accept and love yourself more. It’s also acknowledging your wrongdoings. It’s realizing that even when you get hurt, you can still be the villain in someone else’s eyes.
Lately I’ve been thinking, maybe I was the toxic one. Maybe I was so ingrained in my own hurt feelings that I didn’t realize I was also hurting others. My ex had said to me, years ago, that he won’t be dating anymore after what happened to our relationship. Perhaps I was too fixated on how I felt that he’s mistreating me that I didn’t realize I was also treating him horribly. Perhaps I have been wrong all along.
What if I was the toxic one?
But then I realized, it’s not a competition. It’s not about who hurts whom the most, and in what way. It’s very possible that the situation just wasn’t right. It’s possible that we weren’t communicating well, or at all.
It’s possible that both parties made mistakes.
And I understand now that healing means you can say both “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”.
To those I’ve treated wrongly in the past, I am sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see my mistakes and what I had done wrong back then. I’m learning, and I’m truly hoping, to be a better person now.
And I, too, wish that we can all heal in our own pace.