Honesty Hour

It’s currently 10:31 pm. I need to go back to uni tomorrow at 6 am, which means I need to take the 5 am train and wake up at 4. And yet, it’s nearly 11 and I still can’t sleep.

It’s the thoughts keeping me awake, as usual. Seeing my last blog post, I noticed that a lot has happened since then. Most are good, but some are not as much. Well, it’s only normal since it’s been more than a year since I last wrote here.

About three or more months ago, I graduated from high school. Looking further from there, my last days in 12th grade were… not exactly that good. I can still remember how some of the others cried at graduation day knowing that they won’t go to the same school with their friends anymore.

I feel bad for saying it here, but I didn’t feel anything that day. Happy? Perhaps slightly more relieved than happy since I was anxious about my grades. Sad? Not even a bit.

I lost contact with most of my friends just a bit after January. It’s mostly because we were all busy with the final exam and I was drifting away, intentionally; especially from J-Com. I won’t elaborate any more about anything relating to that, since what happened still leaves me slightly confused and lost until now.

I still feel like I have no one now.

I got in, a bit too obsessed, perhaps; to the Tolkien fandom, after that. And just being honest here, but I can say that the fandom has saved my life. It started at the end of December, after watching the last Hobbit movie. I never thought it would change my life the way it does now. I only thought the movie was good, after watching only bits of the previous movies before that. I used to be an avid fan of The Lord of the Rings series, but that was back when I was still 4 or 5, and then I couldn’t even remember what the plot was.

Just after watching the movie, I decided to start reading the book series of The Lord of the Rings. It slowly turned into a mild obsession, then I watched the movies. One thing leads to another and now I can quote nearly everything from Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit movies, I have all three albums of the soundtracks of The Hobbit movies in my phone, and I collect more of Tolkien’s books and fan merchandises of them.

Back then many months ago, I relapsed at the first days of the… well, rough week. I was never good under tough situations like that and I couldn’t handle stress very well without any distractions. So naturally I delved in deeper into the fandom. And what I found – the books, movies, the fans, and even the fanfictions; they all help me get better. I made friends with some of the people I meet on Twitter, some of them are even my best friends now. They were there for me when I nearly have no one in real life (save for one person, you know who you are :-)).

And the fanfictions helped me realize what my true passion lies in – writing. I started by writing fanfictions at first, after reading a lot of them in FF and AO3 until I was bored of waiting for my favorite ones to update. I thought, why not try writing them myself?

It was hard, obviously. My first ones are pretty shitty. My OC sounds terrible, but I continued writing more about her, because it’s a perfect form of escapism for me. She was everything I never have the guts to be, and it helps me deal with real life better when I write about it.

So, in short: my fandom helps me go through the toughest times I have so far this year. But it made my performance in the final exam slightly worse than I could have, because I was too deep in it to focus at school. I read fanfictions through classes and I nearly don’t study anymore, and the closest I had to a goal was to pass the final exam, and no actual scores to achieve.

Which is why I never expected to be in the position I am now.

About two months ago or more, I took the college entrance test we call SBMPTN here. The selection process is nationwide, and every 2015 high school graduate (or a year above or more) all across Indonesia can participate. It didn’t even make me feel anxious, because I know how tight the competition is and the university I’m trying out for has very high standards. My dream major was my first choice, and I didn’t expect anything from there. My motto back then was finish the test and walk away like I have no expectations for the results at all.

I didn’t study much, or at least not as much as I wanted to. The only subject I believed I can ace in was English, as usual. But my Maths test scores were always terrible and I could only answer very few of the questions. It’s just the same with the Social Studies subject, maybe only slightly better.

But apparently, God answered my prayers (which I don’t even know I have). Or to be more exact, He knows best; where I will do better and what my future will be. I got accepted into UI, majoring in Psychology; what I’ve always wanted, and have only realized a few days before choosing for the entrance test. Only a few days before the test results came out, I had thoughts haunting me before I sleep; like what I always have. Before I got accepted into UI, I already got accepted in BINUS, and I took Accounting & Information Systems as my major there. And this dread, this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was there when I thought that I’m gonna be trapped with that for the rest of my life; if I don’t get accepted into UI. I have never been fond of Accounting with all those numbers; it was nothing more than just because of my parents’ suggestion that I chose that as my major.

But now college is going to start very soon, and it’s best to move on and not dwell too much on the past. It’s time to open a new chapter now that I have the opportunity to. And even after writing this down, I would still have to remind myself of it every day, because this is exactly what I have been doing lately. A few chapters in my life are a bit hard to forget.

But then, I need to.

Which is why I should sleep instead of writing a completely pointless blog post like this one.

Cheers, fellas.

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