11:11

For this one 11:11, I dedicate my wish to you.

Sometimes I cannot fathom the fact that we’ve only really known each other for at least a year, and we’ve only started talking to each other since then. It doesn’t make sense to me how someone I’ve known for such a small amount of time can feel more familiar and more comfortable than some other people I’ve known for most of my life.

It always feels so odd talking to you. You’re the only person I’m okay holding a 2+ hours phonecall with. You’re the only person I know that I’ve ever felt comfortable talking to at late hours, all the way until 3 a.m., talking about the most private and personal parts of my life when I’ve only started talking to you regularly in less than 2 weeks.

All my life I’ve never been more thankful of having the chance to meet someone, before I met you.

Alright, so it’s your 21st birthday. Starting from this day you are now able to buy alcohol very legally with your ID, among with literally any other things that are often still illegal to do even after you’re 18, and I am very jealous of you.

(you still can’t drink alcohol, though. It’s for the good of your own stomach.)

This 11:11, I only have one wish for you: 

Persevere. 

Keep on growing, even when the ground is rough and dry. Break through the surface even if it’s concrete floor. Stay true to yourself. Life hasn’t been so kind to you lately, and things may have been tough, but you will persevere. You will march on, you will go through it and figure things out no matter what life throws at you,

and you’ll always have support. I will not let you down. When you feel like you can’t stand on your own, my hand is always here for you to hold. Lean on me until you feel like you’re strong enough.

And in the end, I know you’ll always be strong enough.

Happy early 21st birthday, starshine. May you shine bright as always.

day 1 – to the one who’s left us.

Pulang.

Ragamu telah rapuh,

Jiwamu lelah dibawa mengembara.

(Sembilan puluh tiga tahun bukan waktu yang singkat.)

 

Seperti apa kau menginginkan kepulanganmu?

 

Dengan tenang,

dalam sunyi,

seperti dentingan piano yang lamat-lamat terdengar di malam hari.

 

Atau

Dengan dentuman,

besar-besaran,

dan keramaian seperti layaknya hari kelahiran?

(kau terlalu tua untuk ini.)

 

Bukan secara paksa,

bukan seperti ini,

bukan dengan selingkar tali

dalam sebuah ruangan, dalam sendiri,

dalam sepi.

 

Namun matamu terpejam sama eratnya.

Namun tidur panjangmu sama lelapnya.

Mortal

we bled for our love;

dear god, we bled

for our love.

“because we are still

flesh and blood. because

we are not

yet stardust.”

and until the day

we returned into the arms

of the constellations above,

let our mortal bodies turn 

black and blue.

let me ache with the pain

of longing

for you.

Starshine

I’ve been wanting to write about you, starshine.
About the radiance you have brought into my life.

About your smile which never fails to bring mine.
About the countless stories we’ve told each other,

About the numerous glances we’ve exchanged with one another.
Thank you for being here by my side.

Thank you for bringing light back into my life.

Do I deserve someone better?

Do I deserve someone better?

I’ve dreamt of

loving arms and

a warm gaze and

gentle words and

a comforting smile,

 

I’ve longed for

constant reassurance,

that no matter how hard I’ve fallen,

no matter how big the mistake was,

no matter how much i thought i’ll never make it,

they’ll be there

always with the same cheerful look

in their eyes, telling me that they

believe in me, that no matter how hard it

may seem, i’ll get through it

with their hand holding mine.

Do I deserve someone better?

 

I’d look up

(after wiping away the tears in my eyes

with wrists, still ridden with scars

that you once inflicted with your presence;

or rather, your lack of presence)

at you,

 

and you’d look at me with the same twinkle in your eyes and the same mischievous smile and you’d say to me the same biting remarks and the same poorly thought out jokes and the same cheesy lines you’ve always said to me since day one because dear god, you could’ve said anything to me you could’ve insulted me you could’ve told me i’ll never be good enough for anyone and i’d still come crawling back to you

 

Do I want someone better?